We Need Hints (Before We Get Tired)
by Jack E. Peace
Summary: Skye thinks about Jemma and how she's absolutely right, how all Skye seems to be able to do is shut her out, her and everyone else and it's always been that way so why does her chest felt tight when she thinks about doing it now?


**Disclaimer: **Characters not mine. Title from the song "Hints" by Jose Gonzalez

**A/N: **This story is a particularly interesting breed of random, I think. I got the idea in my head while reading _Beautiful Redemption _by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl and then it sort of took on a life of its own. And I'm still just starting to test my wings in this fandom so forgive me if the characters are nailed down quite yet but I'm trying. And I think this story is pretty indicative of the fascination that I have with Skye's past as a foster child so...my apologizes for how random this this!

**"We Need Hints (Before We Get Tired)" **

Most people dreamed of flying. Skye always dreamed of falling. Sometimes it wasn't so much a nightmare as it was a memory, her subconscious drudging up a time from her past that she would prefer stayed buried. And most of the time it did, but that didn't stop her from dreaming about falling.

Usually Skye would wake up, her throat burning with a suppressed scream, her body shivering slightly from a cold sweat and her hands gripping the blankets tightly as though her body was making an effort to protect itself. She always woke up before she hit the ground. Sometimes she woke up before she felt herself starting to fall. It was always near impossible to fall asleep again.

On this particular night, Skye wakes herself up by screaming, the sound echoing through her dreams and her waking senses, echoing throughout the pod that had become her home over the months that she'd been with SHIELD. Skye sits up right, pressing her hand to her chest and gasping for breath. She could feel herself start to fall, her fingers outstretched, splayed, desperate for help to come at the last second. But it never did.

Skye feels another scream threaten to tear from her throat when the door to her pod whooshes open suddenly but she wills herself to relax after she whips her head to the left and sees Jemma Simmons standing there in the doorway. Jemma's usually tidy appearance has been disheveled by sleep and her clothes are wrinkled and her hair falls in tangles around her shoulders. The expression on her face is a mixture of confusion and concern and just a little bit of panic. Skye is certain that Jemma, and all the others on the plane, had been conditioned long before to expect the worse when they heard screaming.

"Skye?" Jemma questions tentatively, not moving from her spot in the doorway. "Are you all right?"

Skye lets out the breath that she hadn't intentionally been holding in and it hisses past her teeth and lips. "Yes." She answers shortly. "Fine."

Jemma doesn't look convinced and Skye can't blame her. She doubts that she was being very convincing at the moment.

"I heard you scream and I thought…" Jemma trails off, no doubt expecting Skye to fill in the rest.

Skye looks away from her, concentrating her attention on slowing her breathing and willing her heart to calm down. The sensations that had filled her dream were still so real…the fear, the emptiness all around her, the certainty that there was no one coming for her.

"Just a dream." Skye says finally, her tone terse. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's all right." Jemma assures her, a smile flitting across her face. "I'm right next door, after all."

Skye nods, still unable to bring herself to look over Jemma. In addition to the residual fear from the dream, she feels embarrassment begin to set in; she can't believe that she actually dreamed and, worse, that she woke someone else with her foolishness.

Jemma is still lingering in the doorway, apparently waiting for something and even though Skye has the feeling that she knows what it is, she doesn't make any move to acquiesce. Finally Jemma speaks again, "Sometimes it helps to talk about nightmares…if you wanted…"

"I don't want to." Skye tells her sharply, finally looking up at the other woman. "I'm sorry I woke you. But I'm fine."

Jemma purses her lips but nods all the same and Skye feels bad for snapping at her but she's really not in the mood to talk to anyone at the moment, not even Jemma, and especially not if the topic of conversation is going to be her stupid dreams. Or memories. Or whatever. And normally she would welcome the excuse to invite Jemma into her pod, especially in the middle of the night, but now is not the time.

With nothing more to say, Jemma turns and disappears down the hallway and seconds later, the door closes on its own and Skye is left alone in the relative darkness of her pod. She flops backward onto her pillow and tries to close her eyes but all she sees is the empty expanse of blue sky, the way it looked that day when the ground disappeared out from beneath her and there was nothing but air all around her and Skye opens her eyes again quickly.

A part of her regrets sending Jemma away so soon but it's for the best, really. Because she isn't in the mood to talk about anything that has to do with herself or her dreams or all of it and she has the feeling that she couldn't distract Jemma from those questions for long. She is a scientist, after all, so Skye figures it's in her nature to be naturally curious. Unfortunately, it's in _her_ nature to be secretive.

Skye figures that she must fall asleep eventually because when she opens her eyes again, there's light streaming through her frosted window and she can hear the sounds of the rest of the team outside her pod door. It's always a relief when morning comes because she doesn't have to toss and turn and dread the possibility of the nightmare returning to her.

Skye finds Fitz, Jemma and Ward in the kitchen, which smells of coffee and toasting bagels and her stomach rumbles and, more importantly, caffeine. Fitz and Ward greet her as the always do and Jemma glances over her shoulder at Skye, offering her a small smile before returning to adding cream and sugar to her coffee.

Skye feels a pang of regret over the way that she treated Jemma the night before. It's all too easy to remember the hopeful look on Jemma's face when she offered to listen to Skye's nightmare and how it had been obvious that she just wanted to be invited inside. And, of course, Skye hadn't done that.

She waits until Jemma is by herself in the lab before approaching her with an apologetic smile on her face. "Sorry about last night." Skye says. "I'm not…I can be kind of an asshole in the middle of the night."

Jemma smiles at her but Skye can tell that there's still that hint of sadness there and it makes her crazy because Jemma shouldn't be sad, like ever, it should be against the rules. And it's her fault.

"It's quite all right." Jemma assures Skye. And for a moment, Skye thinks that's all that she's going to say and maybe that's it and things will go back to normal between the two of them. But then she says, "You don't have to shut me out, you know" and Skye feels guilty all over again.

Skye scoffs and shakes her head. "I don't shut you out." She tells the other woman. "What are you talking about? It was just a stupid dream and-"

"It's not just the dream, Skye." Jemma interrupts and Skye knows exactly what she's talking about and that she's right and there's really nothing she can say to argue this point.

They're interrupted by Fitz returning to the lab and Skye couldn't be more relieved. She takes the opportunity to make herself scarce and takes her laptop and gets into one of the cars parked down in the cargo hold and ignores Ward calling her name so they can start training. She just sits there, the glow of her laptop providing the only source of light and thinks about Jemma and how she's absolutely right, how all Skye seems to be able to do is shut her out, her and everyone else and it's always been that way so why does her chest felt tight when she thinks about doing it now?

For a while, Skye felt like things for going to be different. She felt like things were going to get better for her, that for the first time she was going to find a place where she belonged and people that she belonged to. She was going to have friends and a purpose and someone she could make proud and something she could be good at, something she could do to help. And there had been bumps in the road and she had messed things up for herself here and there because that was just what she did but no one sent her away, no one told her that they didn't want her there anymore and Skye thought that that was what a real family did. You messed up and they forgave you anyway.

And Jemma had been the best of all of them. She had been understanding of her and made excuses for her to the others when Skye knew that she really didn't deserve them. And she'd seemed to enjoy Skye's presence in the lab and asked Skye about the things that she was doing on her laptop and didn't seem to mind when she rambled a little bit too long about Reddit or how to infiltrate a secure server. And one night, Jemma had put her hand on Skye's by accident and they'd both been far too flustered by the simple gesture and when Skye had kissed her, Jemma had responded in kind. And Skye had thought that maybe she could really have everything that she wanted after all: a family, a place, someone who might one day love her.

But she had wanted all those things so badly throughout her life and she'd never found them, especially the latter. She'd always done something, something foolish, something reckless, something selfish to ruin it all. And Skye knew that she was still that little girl, the one who kept people from loving her and wanting her and no amount of pretending could change that truth. It would be better to distance herself from Jemma before she fucked things up so badly that she even lost her as a friend.

So she pushed her away, because that was the one skill she had learned in her childhood. And it had served her pretty well so far.

And that night, when Skye wakes herself up again with a scream reverberating in her ears, Jemma doesn't come. No one does.

Skye turns over, pressing her face against the pillow, feeling her eyes sting with tears. It doesn't seem fair that she should still remember things so clearly, even almost fifteen years later. She already had to live through it once, why does her subconscious enjoy reminding her of it all over again? The way it had felt to feel his hands on her shoulders, shoving her backward. The way it had felt to fall. The way it had felt to be helpless.

Skye wipes her tears away with the heel of her hand, determined not to feel sorry for herself or indulge in the memory any longer. It's over, it happened, it's done. She survived, just like she always did. End of story.

But that doesn't stop her from dreaming of falling again and she spends the rest of the night on Reddit and watching cat videos on Youtube.

Skye quickly regrets her lack of sleep because it seems that Ward has gotten it in his mind to punish her for skipping out on training to day before. The fact that she's nearly dead on her feet only seems to make him more frustrated.

They've landed at a SHIELD site in upstate New York to refuel and to have The Bus outfitted with some new security paneling and Ward seems to think that the pit stop is the perfect time to get Skye out of their usual practice space and onto an actual training course.

There are about a dozen other agents practicing on the course, which looks like something out of an old war movie where the main character is humiliated at boot camp before discovering his inner strength. Skye has the feeling she's just going to get the humiliation.

Unfortunately, it seems as though everyone is relishing in the chance to get off The Bus for a little while and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air so while Skye is tripping over tires and falling flat on her face, she has to do it with May and Fitz and Jemma only a few yards away. At least Jemma has the decency to pretend to be engrossed in doing something else while Ward yells at Skye for getting tangled up in the barbed wire that she's supposed to be climbing under.

"Give it a rest, okay?" Skye says finally, panting as she struggles to catch her breath. "I'm not some SHIELD agent so cut me some slack."

Ward glares at her and Skye knows that is the worst thing she could have said at the moment. "Cut you some slack?" Ward questions, raising an eyebrow. "You want me to cut you some slack?" Skye just stares at him. "I thought you _wanted_ this. I thought you _wanted _to be an agent. Did you think it was going to be easy? Do you think one of Centipede's men is just going to cut you some slack before they kill you or a member of the team?"

"Okay!" Skye snaps, rolling her eyes. "I get it. Enough."

"What's with you today?" Ward questions, studying her closely. "You're not normally such a pain in my ass."

"Nothing." Skye says, taking a deep breath even though her entire body hurts with the effort. "I'm fine." She feels like she's been saying that a lot. Of course, it's pretty far from the truth.

Skye throws herself back into the training in an effort to keep her thoughts from lingering on her dreams or her memories or Jemma or any of the things that she normally carries around with her. And she figures that she's doing all right; at least Ward doesn't look like she wants to skin her alive anymore.

Until he points to a rock wall that is easily thirty feet off the ground and tells her to get the flag that's flapping in the breeze at the very top of the tower. Skye feels like she's falling, she feels nothing but air under her feet and fingers and her body shudders.

"No."

"No?" Ward repeats and he looks more surprised than anything. "What do you mean no?"

Skye shrugs. "I already know how to climb. It's a waste of time."

Ward just shakes his head. "Being able to climb a few feet is not the same thing as being able to scale a building or climbing up an elevator shaft to save your life. You have no idea the amount of strength and stamina it takes to be able to do something like that."

"I'll take your word for it." Skye knows by this point that she's asking for it but she can't exactly say that she's surprised. Because this is what she does. She shuts people out, she makes them remember why she's not worth their time.

"This isn't going to work, Skye." Ward snaps at her. "You're never going to be able to do this if you keep questioning me and acting like some kind of punk-ass teenager. I'm your Supervising Officer, you don't _get_ to question me."

Skye looks over at the rock wall and her palms start to sweat and her heart begins to rabbit in her chest and she just shakes her head. "I can't." She says softly.

Ward's expression softens slightly but Skye can tell that he's not about to back down. "I get it. You're afraid of heights. I've seen a lot of good people who have silly fears." He assures her. "The best way to get over them is to do something that-"

"I'm not afraid of heights." Skye interrupts, rolling her eyes. She's afraid of falling. Hardly the same thing.

Ward just looks exasperated all over again and he just shakes his head. "Then climb to the top, get the flag, come back down." He sounds more like he's commanding her than asking.

Skye worries her bottom lip between her teeth and just shakes her head again. She feels her heart still pounding in her chest and her ribs seem like they're tightening with each breath. A part of her feels like she's not even with Ward in this training yard anymore. She feels like she's back with William on the roof, teetering on the edge.

"What if it was me at the top of that tower?" Ward's voice brings her back to the present but she can still feel her past lingering on the edges. "What if you were the only person who I could count on to come for me?"

Skye just scoffs at him. "You wouldn't need my help." She remarks. "You're Agent Grant Ward."

Ward rolls his eyes at her. "Fine." He throws his hands up in defeat and for a minute Skye feels like he's going to let the issue drop and go storming away like he sometimes does during their training sessions. But he doesn't. "What if it was Simmons?"

His question takes Skye by surprise and her brow knits, searching his face for any indication that he knows about what has passed between her and Jemma, what might have been if she hadn't ruined it. But his face is impassive and Skye gets the feeling he could have just as easily said Fitz's name.

But Ward can see that he has her attention now and he nods. "What if Simmons was up there and you were the only one who could get to her but you had to climb and you couldn't because you were lazy and bratty and didn't listen to your SO during training?"

It takes a lot of restraint for Skye not to punch him in the chest and walk out of the training yard. But he has a point. And this is what she wanted; she wanted to be a valuable member of the team, someone who could do something more than sit behind a computer all the time. Someone her team could count on.

She's never been someone that someone else counted on before.

She should have learned long ago to stop wanting things.

Skye takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. She sees the sky the way it looked that afternoon and her eyes snap open once more. She doesn't say a word to Ward as she walks past him, moving toward the rock wall.

She's being ridiculous, she knows this. She's letting this stupid nightmare make her act like an idiot and look like a fool in front of Ward and the rest of her team. She's not that little girl anymore. She can do this.

Skye glances over her shoulder and isn't surprised to find that she has the attention of all the members of her team, including Jemma. She's sure that her argument with Ward was enough to draw all of their focus and now they're going to watch her attempt to climb this stupid tower and embarrass herself and all she wants is for this to be over so she can go back to The Bus and hide in her pod for the next three days.

It takes Skye a few attempts to figure out the best way to balance herself on the wall and finding the right hand-holds that get her feet off the ground, even if it's just by a few centimeters. But it's a start. Her heart is hammering in her chest but the wall and the hand-holds feel solid underneath her and Skye thinks that maybe she might be able to do this after all. It might take an hour, judging by the pace she's going but at least she'll make it to the top.

Skye figures that she's probably five or six feet off the ground when her foot slips and suddenly there's nothing underneath her and she grabs the handholds tightly as she squeezes her eyes shut. She feels William's hands on her chest, pushing her backward. She feels her hands reaching for him, desperate, begging wordlessly for him to grab her before she goes too far. But he doesn't.

When she tries to regain her footing without opening her eyes, she nearly loses her balance completely and Skye can't remember if she's on the roof or in the training yard with Ward and she can't breathe and she can't think and she's pretty sure that the scream she's hearing is hers.

"Skye!" Ward is yelling her name but he sounds too far away to be real. "Just let go! It's okay!"

Skye clings to the side of the rock wall and her head is swimming and she feels weightless and helpless, waiting for the inevitable moment when she hits the ground again. There's still a part of her that hopes that someone will save her, maybe Mr. Brody or Mrs. Brody, maybe someone will be there to help her.

"Skye!" This time, it's Jemma that's calling her name and Skye no longer feels like she's falling and she can feel the rough edges of the handholds underneath her hands again. "You're okay, Skye." Jemma's voice is gentle, like the touch of her hand on Skye's cheek or the way that her lips feel against Skye's "You aren't that high up, darling. Just let go."

And, for some reason, Skye trusts her. She drops for only a few seconds and the impact is barely enough to rattle her teeth and she lands on her knees and the palms of her hands and Skye can feel herself trembling. She looks up and sees Jemma coming to kneel beside her and Ward looking confused by not unkind and she realizes that she's made a complete idiot of herself and tears of embarrassment sting her eyes and Skye pushes herself to her feet, batting Jemma's hand away when she reaches for her.

Jemma calls her name but Skye ignores her, keeping her head down as she hurries out of the training yard and toward The Bus, which is perched on the tarmac adjacent to the training yard. Skye rushes into her pod and lets out of a scream of frustration, grabbing her pillow and throwing it against the wall. This isn't fair. It's not fair. Isn't she allowed to grow up at some point, isn't she allowed to forget about the things that happened to her when she was little?

Maybe she's being ridiculous. Maybe she deserves to be haunted by the things that happened to her throughout her life. Maybe this is what she gets for thinking that she can change, that she can be better and do something to help people and have people who love her.

Skye sits on the ground, her back against the side of her bed and her knees drawn up to her chest. She hugs herself tightly, trying to banish the tears; she's angry, more than anything, and she won't allow herself to cry over her own foolishness.

But when Jemma appears in the doorway, that's exactly what Skye does. Maybe it's the way that Jemma is looking at her, the expression of understanding that she wears or the softness in her eyes. Maybe it's the fact that it's Jemma and whether Skye would admit it or not, she's the only person that she wants right now.

Jemma doesn't say anything as she comes to sit down beside Skye, putting her arms around the other girl without a word. Skye presses her face against the crook of Jemma's neck, unable to bite back her tears even though the last thing she wants is to break down. But with Jemma holding it, it seems okay somehow.

By the time Skye is out of tears, she feels completely exhausted and figures that if it wasn't for Jemma holding her she would be face down on the carpet already. She lifts her head and sniffs, wiping away the tears on her cheeks. "Sorry." She says, rubbing her nose with the back of her head. She's all gross and snotty and she's left a wet patch on the front of Jemma's shirt. Great. This day keeps getting better and better.

"Don't be sorry." Jemma scolds softly, shifting her position so that she's sitting next to Skye and their knees are touching. "Everyone is just worried about you."

Skye scoffs and shakes her head. "Yeah, right. Ward probably wants to disown me." She remarks. "I pretty much just shamed him as an SO."

Jemma shakes her head. "Shush." She chides. "He just feels badly about forcing you to climb up the tower."

"I didn't get very fair." Skye mutters. "That can hardly be considered climbing."

Jemma reaches out and takes her hand, pressing their palms together as their fingers intertwine. "I used to be afraid of heights as well." She assures the other girl. "Actually until I joined Coulson's team."

Skye shakes her head. "It's not the heights so much." She says. "It's the…the falling."

"Is that what your nightmare is about?" Jemma questions tentatively, as though she's afraid that bringing it up will bring whatever they have going on to an end and she's not sure that she's willing to let that happen.

But Skye just sighs, resigned. She might not be able to control the memories or the dreams but maybe it's what she does with them that make the difference.

"Yes." Skye says softly, her voice barely audible to her own ears. "I…it's…it's more of a memory really."

Jemma nods and Skye knows that she won't press her, that she won't continue to pry for information. But Skye doesn't want to shut her out anymore, she doesn't want to lose the closeness between them and she's pretty much already hit rock bottom so what's the harm?

"When I was nine, I was with the foster family. The Brodys." Skye smiles slightly at the memory, even though its tinged with sadness. And fear. "They were the best family I'd been placed with so far. I wanted them to love me so badly…" She shakes her head, banishing that part of the memory from her mind. "They had another son, he was their actual kid, he was like fifteen…I think they always wanted more kids but they couldn't have any for whatever reason which was why they wanted to adopt and anyway that doesn't matter. Their son, William, he hated me. He hated having me around, he hated seeing me with his parents."

Jemma gives her hand a squeeze but doesn't say anything.

Skye closes her eyes and it all comes rushing back to her with painful ease. The smell of the house, how they had home cooked meals each night and even baked cookies sometimes. The way it had felt to have Mrs. Brody give her a hug when she came home from school or how Mr. Brody used to tuck her into bed and check her closet for monsters even though she was too old to believe in such things. She had wanted to stay there forever.

"William heard me call Mrs. Brody 'Mom' one day." Skye hears herself saying to Jemma, even though in her mind she can hear the sound of her voice tentatively using the word "mom" for the first time. "I guess it just made him crazy…" She opens her eyes to bring herself back to the present and it's strange how much of a relief it is to see Jemma sitting right there. "The next day, he told me to come up to the roof with him because he found a bird's nest that he wanted to show me or something. He…he pushed me. I don't know if he was trying to…" She shakes her head. "I just broke my arm but after that, Mrs. Brody told me I couldn't stay with her anymore.

"I kept dreaming about falling, about the way it felt after William pushed me." Skye sighs, feeling her shoulders bend under the weight of it all. "I had stopped dreaming about all that for a while but…recently the dreams have come back and I…that's all I could think about when Ward asked me to climb that stupid tower. And then I slipped and…acted like a total idiot."

"Not an idiot." Jemma assures her with a soft smile. "That's an incredibly traumatic thing to have to experience. And then for them to tell you that you had to leave like it was your fault…" She puts her hand against the side of Skye's face. "It's okay to be afraid."

Skye feels like she might cry all over again but she quickly pushes those tears away. She's done crying, over this, over William, over wanting a family. "I don't want to be afraid anymore." Skye confesses softly, surprised by the words. She's been thinking them, but she never dared to give them voice. Apparently she hasn't learned her lesson about wanting things.

Jemma closes the distance between them and kisses Skye softly and Skye puts her arms around Jemma and pulls her closer. Jemma feels solid and substantial beneath her hands and Skye feels the sensations of falling, the memories that have been coloring her dreams for years, grow quieter in her mind.

When they finally separate, Skye finds that her heart is beating rapidly in her chest for an entirely different reason. "I'm sorry for pushing you away before." The words are harder to say than she thought because it's hard to admit that that was exactly what she had done. It's easier when you can blame the pushing on someone else. "I just…I'm not used to letting myself want something."

When Jemma blushes, Skye thinks it might be because the idea of being wanted is somehow as powerful as the idea of wanting. That's something that Skye can attest to first hand.

Jemma kisses her again, and twice more just to be on the safe side, before she asks, "And what else do you want?"

Skye thinks for a moment and then replies, "To climb that stupid rock wall."

When Jemma laughs, she feels like maybe it's not such a horrible idea.

Ward is still in the training yard when Jemma and Skye leave The Bus and return to the bright sunshine and fresh air that makes Skye feel refreshed and energized and like a completely new person. She can do this; this is a fresh start and a new beginning and all those other words that sound really awesome and inspirational.

Ward gives her a skeptical look when Skye informs him that she wants to try again to climb to the top of the tower and retrieve the flag. "Are you sure?" He questions. "Because you didn't get more than like five feet off the ground the first time and I'm trying to cut you some slack here."

Skye rolls her eyes when he throws her own words back in her face. "Yeah, yeah. Just let me climb your stupid wall."

Ward gestures to the rock wall and when Skye glances over at Jemma, the other girl smiles brightly and gives her a thumbs-up. Skye takes a deep breath, steeling herself as she turns toward the wall. She reaches for the first handholds and takes one foot off the ground.

Apparently it's not as easy as it seems to turn over a new leaf and become a brand new person. Stupid sunshine, giving her false hopes. Skye quickly backs away from the wall, wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans and trying to will her heartbeat into slowing down before she goes into cardiac arrest or something.

Skye looks at Ward with a guilty smile on her face. "Maybe tomorrow."

Ward just shakes his head at her but Skye can see that he's trying really hard to fight a smile. "I need a drink." He mutters as he goes walking across the training yard and toward The Bus.

There's a sheepish look on Skye's face when she turns her attention toward Jemma. "Whoops."

"Baby steps." Jemma assures her, patting her on the shoulder. "Soon you shall be the rock wall climbing champion of the world."

Skye arches an eyebrow. "Whoa. What happened to baby-steps?"

"Well…eventually even babies take normal, regular person sized steps." Jemma points out.

"You might want to work on your metaphors." Skye advises as she and Jemma head across the yard to join Fitz at the picnic table just outside the fence.

Jemma nods. "Yes. By the time you climb the wall, I will be just as adept at creating metaphors."

Skye thinks about pointing out that it might be awhile if that's the case but she figures there's no point. Baby-steps and all.

**end. **


End file.
